User blog:Scrawland Scribblescratch/Bob and Jari Episode 2: The Plz-off
A black screen. Then, the camera begins to zoom in. We see stars everywhere. The camera zooms in on one. As we get closer, it is the Milky Way Galaxy. The camera zooms faster and faster now, passing stars and planets until we reach the Earth. The famous Blue Marble zoom. Focus on Europe. Zoom, the Netherlands. Focus, Amsterdam. Zoom, Rotterdam. Focus, city center. Zoom, a small house on the outskirts of the city. The roof of the house takes up the viewspace. Then, we change the angle to view the house from the front. A tall, pudgy, balding man of about 95 walks down the path. He is a mail carrier. He puts the mail in the mailbox, rings the bell, and hobbles away on his cane. Zoom inside. Jari: Eh, that's probably the post. Better go get it. On his way to the door, a short man of questionable gender is standing in the doorway, facing outside. The man turns around. It is Bob. Bob: Hey Jari. I got the mail. You're porn subscription expired. Jari: Bob plz. It's "your" and I don't have a porn subscription. Bob: Jari plz. Didn't you read the newspaper last week? Your face made the back cover as the nation's second most frequent porn viewer. Jari: Bob plz. That was probably Christoph Waltz. Who was first? Jorn: Me. Jari: Oh. Hey wait a minute. Bob, what the fuck are you doing in my house? Bob: Jari plz nigga I've been living here since 2007. Jari: Bob plz, it's still 1992. Jari's mom: Jari plz you weren't even born in '92. Jari's dad: I should know. We didn't have sex in '92. Jari: Ew. Guys, get out of here. I don't want to hear about my conception. Barry: I do! You guys can come to my room! Jari: Nigga, the fuck are you doing here? Fire (still in fireplace): I believe we reached the conclusion in the previous episode that Barry lives in your basement. Bob: Yeah. Jari plz, pay attention. Jari: Bob plz. At least I have a mind to pay attention with. Bob: Jari PLZ. Jari: Bob PLZ!!! Barry: Jari and Bob plz. Berry: All of you plz. Fire: I believe that the events of the previous episode may transpire if you fail to say something other than plz. All: Kden. Berry: Uh....Jari, I challenge yuo to a plz-off! Jari: It's you, not yuo. And I accept your challenge. But, I also challenge Bob! Bob: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Also, Jari plz. You make spelling and grammar mistakes too. Barry: OK...fine...I could just, you know, not be challenged. Fire: The competition won't be in your room Barry. And you have to attend to participate. Barry: Nigga PLZZZZZZ, I can leave my room. Jari: Wait, where's his room again? Bob: Jari plz, it's in our basement. I know you're not paying attention. Jari: Bob fucking plz. We don't even have a fucking basement. The TARDIS begins to materialize. Out steps Dan. Dan: Well that doesn't sound right. Let's check that out, shall we? Dan straightens his bowtie. Dan: So, Barry. Where's your room? Barry: I'm not scared. Dan: No, of course not. Box falls out of the sky, man comes out of the box. Why would you be scared? Your room, then? Barry: That way. Points to floor. Jari: Barry plz that's where your room is, not how to get there. Bob: Jari plz he's still not as stupid as you. Barry: Ah. My room is that way then. Cut to Barry's room. Dan: Well, looks like you've got a crack in your wall! Barry: K. So can I go to the plz-off then? Dan: Well, only if it's in your room. Barry is suddenly holding Dan at gunpoint. Barry: You will make in my room or you will die. Understand? Dan: Yes. Of course. Cut to the next day. An open field. There are five tables. Four of them have one person seated. The last has three people. They will judge the Plz-Off. The judges are Mr. Awesome, Mr. Kelley, and Mr. Rogers. The camera begins to change angle and we learn that this is actually Barry's room. Mr. Awesome: The rules of the competition are simple. Whoever can plz the most and the longest wins. Mr. Kelley: Narrator, could I be called Tim? Thanks. Tim: Each contestant will battle the other three. There will be a round after that where all engage in the same battle. Mr. Rogers: That's all. Be nice. A montage of the first the first five rounds is shown. Now it's down to Bob and Jari. Jari: Bob plz. Bob: Jari plz. Jari: Bob PLZ. Bob: Jari PLZ. Jari: Bob PLZ. Bob: Jari PLZ. Jari: Bob fucking PLZ. Mit: Bob 4 points, Jari 4 points. Mr. Awesome: Bob 5 points, Jari 4 points. Mr. Rogers: Bob 2 points, Jari 7 points. Narrator: It's a maximum of five points. Mr. Rogers: Jari 5 points. Jorn: Jari wins the round. Narraotr: And now the final round. Jari: Narrator, not narraotr. Bob: Jari fucking PLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Tim: Bob used plz outside of a round! Bob is disqualified. Bob: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Suddenly he becomes Darth Vader but is immediately killed by a fire. Dan: Well isn't that unfortunate. Scraw: Indeed. Although I thought that's my job? Dan: No, you would've regenerated. He's dead. Both: Ah. Cut to Mit. Mit: This is it, folks! Mr. Awesome: It's the final round. Mr. Rogers: Play fair. Tim: BEGIN. Jari: I'll go first. Barry, Berry, plz. Jorn: Jarry and Bari plz. Barry: Jurn plzzzzz. Jarri: I thought this was me, Barry, and Berry. Also, I'm Jari, not Jarry or Jarri. Jorn: Nigga plz it's Barry, Berry, and I, not me, Barry, and Berry. Berry: Bitch plz stop being a grammer nazi cause pi will beat both of you. Bary; Why is there a bent colon after my name? Also, there's three of us, besides you, Wach. Plz. Jari: No there's two of us for every one of us. Plz. You can't even fucking count. So plz. Barry: Jeri PLZ nigga I learned to count before I plzed your mom. Berry: Barry plz pi I pretty sure yuo can't plz anyone except yuourslef. Fire: Ooh. Sweet burn. (Ba-dum-tss.) No pun intended. You're a-- Smoke: This ain't ERB. Fire: The upper left corner disagrees with you. Jari: You're a talking Fire don't even go there plz. Mr. Awesome: Jari plzed someone besides his opponents. Against the rules. Disqualified. Anton Zarokhov: OBJECTION! Mr. Rogers: Objection sustained. Brandon: He plzed a fire. A fire is not a person and therefore not applicable under the rules of the competition. Jury of six (Max, Jacob, Kurai, Lyteq, Miran, and Gordon): The jury rules that the Ace Attorney is correct. Mr. Rogers: So be it. Objections overruled. Case dismissed. Tim: Right then, let's tally up the winners of the plz off. As the judges discuss the winners, a German soldier approaches them and hands them a letter. Mr. Awesome: It turns out we can't use the word PLZ. Mr. Rogers: PLZ is a copyrighted trademark of the German postal service. Dan: It's all cancelled, folks. Everyone leaves the scene one by one and the lights go out. Roll credits Danny Devito as Bob James Franco as Jari Marshall Mathers III as Tim Slim Shady as Mit Chuck Norris as Mr. Awesome Peter Shukoff as Mr. Rogers A drunk Irishman as Barry Matt Smith as Dan Morgan Freeman as the Narrator Bruno Mars as German Private Aubschcrlieffrien Jim Carrey as the Mailman Cigarette lighter fire as Fire Cigarette smoke as Smoke John Cena as Berry Hiroki Narimiya as Brandon and Anton The guy who played Ernie in the George Lopez Show as Max Jackie Chan as Jacob Donnie Yen as Kurai Sammo Hung Kam bo as Miran Chris Tucker as Lyteq Michael J. Fox as Gordon Idris Elba as the TARDIS and Timothy Carlton and Wanda Ventham as Mr and Mrs van der Laanda Post credits scene Mit: Oh we were having a plz off. I want to get some Slim Jims tho. Everyone else (off-screen): THOUGH, NOT THO. Category:Blog posts Category:Blog posts